i am awful.

Today I broke things off with Anthony.

I feel like a low-down, good for nothing, worthless jerk. I've been debating the matter for at least a week, and today is really the first time I've seen him. I've been talking about this stuff with Celia because she's my best friend but now that I think about it, she's not really a good person to talk to about these matters because she's never really had a legit boyfriend. Apparently, she has been randomly talking to Anthony about our relationship (she didn't approve, by the way) and all this stuff, so he kinda knew.

She wasn't supposed to tell anyone. But she had to go and tell him of all people. I was hoping to remain friends with him because I do really like him, but now really just isn't a good time to have a relationship. Now I don't think that's going to happen because he played the "I heard it on the grapevine" card. Did I mention that Celia never liked him in the first place?

My reasons for breaking things off:
- we're sophomores with no income
- we're sophomores with no cars or licenses
- we never see each other during the day
- we never see each other outside of school
- we live very far away from each other
- most of my friends dislike him
- there is a drastic lack of communication

Reasons I feel like shit about this:
- I really like him
- We probably could have worked through this
- The lack of communication wasn't just from him
- I like him a lot
- He found out from a friend, so it makes me seem like a big ol' jerk (which I am)
- He deserves better

He really does deserve much better than me. I am a horrible person who didn't try hard enough to communicate with him so that we could try and work things out and who talks to her friends about relationship advice. He is a wonderful person who I think genuinely liked me. He has witnessed me when I'm in a really good mood and he talked me through one of the rougher nights in my life. He really shouldn't have to deal with me and my awful person-ness.

From this relationship, I've learned that communication is key and that I'm awful at this stuff and should probably refrain from any relationships ever because I'll nit-pick them to death and fuck it all up and hurt someone that I really care for.

I'm happy for him. He can go find someone who he likes and have a wonderful relationship with her (or him. I don't judge.). I'm just going to not hurt any other guy by not getting into a relationship for at least until college.*


* I am a total hypocrite, so I will probably date someone else before college. And I will probably eff that up too.

flowing locks of nothing

sometimes i just want to shave my head.

*sob*

long time, no post. but everything until now has been a constant cycle of getting sick and doing mucho make up work.

so, I've been wanting to go to the Naval Academy since 3rd or 4th grade and since it's getting to that time when I need to start looking at and applying to schools, I thought I'd troll around on the USNA Admission site.

As I was trolling, I found some things very helpful, like the CFA test and that the minimum height for women is 5 feet. Also, people with severe acne that is not under control are disqualified from applying. Isn't that random?

Anyways, I was clicking around on the Career Opportunities page, reading along happily, when I noticed a link to the "Career Opportunities for Women" page. It didn't make it very clear, whatever it was trying to get across. So I thought nothing of it.

After I had exhausted most of the pages, I started reading through the FAQs. There amongst the athletic questions and questions about Plebe summer was The Question:

What career paths are open to women?

For those too lazy to click on it, it leads to this answer:

The Navy is now assigning women to combat vessels and aircraft following the repeal of the combat exclusion law. Since the repeal of the combat exclusion law (Section 6015, Title 10, U.S. Code), the opportunities for women have been identical as those for men with the exception of submarines and Special Warfare in the Navy, and infantry, artillery, and armor in the Marine Corps.

Cool, right? Women are now being assigned to combat vessels and aircraft! And the opportunities for women are identical to those for men!! Except for submarines and Special Warfare... submarines, who cares? Wait... Special Warfare? WHAT?

Yes, that's right. Women can't hold positions in Special Warfare, otherwise known as the Navy SEALs.

No big deal, right? Far from it. I have been working towards becoming a SEAL after graduation from the USNA since 4th grade. That is basically what I have been working my butt off for for the last six years. And now I find out that I can't be a SEAL because I have a uterus and an ovary?

I literally cried when I saw that.

Today will not be a good day.

*sigh*

still busy, not much going on.

the quarter is ending tomorrow, so i still have a ton of work.

my dad is coming into town this weekend with his girlfriend and her daughter. we're doing some things and such. dad and i are going to the fair on sunday.

the fall dance is on saturday. anthony still has not asked me and i have no clue if he's going. as much as i like him, i don't think that this is going to be a fantastic "relationship." there is something about the lack of communication and enthusiasm that has got me worried.

whoooa

sup. so i haven't posted in about two weeks.
i don't have much time to type because i have a shitload of stuff to do for homework, but here's a quick overview.

i got sick on friday of spirit week. i (think) i was out monday, struggled to make everything up. cool.

some other work stuff happened, got sick again.

this past monday, i passed out/collapsed in the hall, went home, threw up twice, and stayed home on tuesday. i'm back at school (wednesday) and i have a ton of stuff to make up.

that's it. when i have more, i'll post.

Wild West Day

today was not as exhilarating as i expected (or half-expected) it to be.

i wanted to dress as Lily von Shtupp from Blazing Saddles, but was advised that it was in poor taste. so i went as an Indian (or Navajo Native American, if you want to get all p.c. about it.) but i forgot my headband so i just looked like a retard in moccasins.

i felt nasty and gross all day. my bangs got all greasy for some reason, so i looked like a retard in moccasins who fell into a deep fryer. i'm glad Anthony wasn't there today even though i do miss him. he shouldn't be subjected to me on my sub-par days.

i went to the doctor after school because i've been having this nasty cough for the past two weeks. i went in last monday and i didn't "have anything." well, today i got the new doctor and apparently i've had pneumonia for the past two weeks. so, Dr. Muff, that's why i've been coughing, and hocking loogies, and feeling all out of breath for the past two weeks! gee i wish i had known this sooner so i could have, oh i don't know, been taking medicine so i can get on with my life? middle aged pediatrician dumbass.

tomorrow is Gold Day. i don't know what to wear, as i have a very limited selection of gold/yellow.

i am taking the 10 pm bus/van to where ever my youth group is going, so i'll stop by the homecoming game for a little while and see my friends. i really hope Anthony is feeling better so i can see him...

Cartoon Day

huzzah for cartoon day.

this week was/is incredibly boring.

well, today i was Kim Possible. my dear Danny was Ron Stoppable, and he carried Rufus-in-disguise around all day.

i got a c on my math test. the sad thing is that i am very excited by this as it is much higher than expected.

i went to youth group tonight. we went to a mosque. i have been to said mosque before and the lady there greeted me because she recognized me. i think my youth group is a little freaked out that i've been hanging around mosques (and synagogues) because i rarely (read "never") show up for sunday services. also the whole "i am extremely tolerant towards other religions and love learning about them. the next one i want to learn about is Hinduism." thing... yea. fun times. however, my youth leader started chatting me up about the subject.

on friday we leave for our mystery trip (as in we don't know where we're going). i could have taken the 4 o'clock van with everyone, but as friday is homecoming and i actually have a semblance of a social life, i am taking a 10 o'clock van with two kids from broughton. while i am using the homecoming game as my excuse, the real reason is that i want to spend the least amount of time with The Gal as possible and seeing as how i will be stuck with two other people, i will be forced to make friends.

yay.

tomorrow is Wild West Day. i have two possible costumes: authentic Navajo Indian or Whore (inspired by Blazing Saddles)

such good choices.

flashback day

flashback day was a bust. i felt dirty and gross and i was about to kill for a shower.

i had three super hard tests today, all of which i most likely failed. i am horribly tired and am only going to list. i apologize for this boring post.

the only good thing(s) today were:
- Mimi slept on my bed last night and cuddled with me this morning
- i got placed in dance for this funky leg thing with two other really good dancers
- i got to practice fockey in the rain
- i looked hot while going out for dinner
- NCIS is starting. :D x 60000009090909808000000000

pajama day

i like spirit week because i don't really have to think of titles for my posts. :D

today was pajama day. i wore my "Nice Cheeks" boxers, courtesy of Annie, my lumber jack shirt, my Gibbons sweats, and my bunny slippers.

i was almost late to english so i was shuffling as fast as i could with my backpack and my slippers and my field hockey stuff. so i shuffled in and almost hit my teacher with my field hockey stick! and then my slipper flew off and hit paris pope in the face. it made my day.

the rest of the day was rather unremarkable.

we got placed for our fall dance. i'm like kinda in the back but you can still see me.

during lunch i ate some of Chase Brewster's chubby-changa. for all you perverts out there, it is the same thing as a chimmichanga but from Chubby's. i went out to see my friend who's name i still don't know's car. we talked for a while and i determined he's basically me except taller.

i skipped practice because i have a lot to do. i actually just didn't feel like going.

i got a taco at Chubby's for dinner, so i ate that. it was good, as always.
i felt really "cool" walking around a shopping center in my pajamas and slippers. i think i just looked homeless.

i video chatted with Annie Oliveri for a while. i don't think i've laughed that hard in a while! Annie, i miss you tres beaucoup and we need to room together during college.

so, you know how my left thigh has been hurting a lot recently? well, this morning i could hardly walk on it!! i just looked at it a few minutes ago at the spot where it's hurting and there is this nasty bruise!! it's more of a hematoma than anything else.

for y'all that don't know, this is a hematoma:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hematoma

so far my "bruise" is purple and red wine red. it is an oval shape and is about an inch in length.
i believe i shall pop by the nurse at school tomorrow.

well, i have muchos tests to study for.
kill me now.

blehh

hi y'all. it's sunday.
lemme go over my (extremely unproductive) weekend so far.

on friday after school, i went shopping with matt. i bought a men's shirt that i'm
altering into a dress and a ribbon belt. i also found some shoes but i haven't bought them yet because the store closed early on friday. then i stayed home and watched tv.

on saturday i got up and watched tv (including my new favorite movie, True Lies.) i helped mom clean the kitchen and i hauled over to Chapel Hill so i could babysit. note that i also canceled plans so that i could 1) give my aunt and uncle a date night and 2) get money. not only did they decide not to go out, i didn't get paid anything for my efforts. i could have continued with my plans or cleaned my room or done some homework or something else productive. but it was fun to hang out with them. i haven't seen them in a while.

today is sunday. i recently was woken up my mom. today i have to clean my room and do a ton of homework. i do not think that i'll be going to youth group tonight because The Gal will be there and i simply do not have time to go for a destress run after.

i am going to go eat.

i see you shiver with antici...pation!

for all y'all RHPS fans, you will catch the reference
BUT ALL Y'ALL VIRGINS probably didn't.

well, it's 5:33 a.m. and i am restless.
my body is very tense and my pulse is fairly quick. i'm nervous but in a good way
and i don't know why.

i am anticipating something big, but all i have going on tomorrow is a vocab quiz and shopping with Matt.

i keep waking up and making mental lists and such like "spandex. bible. socks." and "hairspray. thong. bobby pins."

and then other times i'll wake up and i'll be going over my vocab code, which is:
a c2 e2 f h n o p r2 s4 u2 w z

and then i'll recite each word like so:
a - acquit
c2 - complex, consign
e2 - excruciating, effrontery
f - forbearance
h - hamper
n - nettlesome
o - oblivious
p - prodigious
r2 - residue, rejuvenate
s4 - sweltering, supersede, scrutinize, salutary
u2 - unwieldy, unruffled
w - withdraw
z - zany

of course, i always forget prodigious and withdraw.

i have to get up soon. since i'm not getting any sleep, i might as well do homework i forgot to do/planned to do during lunch.

:D

i just read every page of givesmehope.com

i cried and am planning on writing "you are beautiful" on the bathroom mirrors in dry erase markers tomorrow.

supp children?

hi. so it's wednesday, a.k.a. my first day back at school.
and today was a short day, so that was ok.

i got up at like 7:10 a.m. and took a shower. i got to school on time.

in basically all my classes, i just got the notes and handouts and pretended like i knew what i was doing.

but i didn't. i'm just a good actress like that.

so school was pretty much BOREDOM.
oh yes, i failed to mention that i felt dizzy all day and my cough got worse. it's all... phlegmy now. ew.

i got to see A after school while i was waiting for my mom. i'm kinda at an awkward height because my head is either right under his chin or crushed into his shoulder. but whateves. i love it. :D

seeing as how i was out for two days, i have a freaking ton of make up work. so you'd think that i'd go right home and start working on it, right?

wrong.

i had to go to durham for an appointment, stopped by home for like twenty minutes, and then went to youth group.

i used to enjoy youth group. but The Gal was there. i dread going now because she grates on my nerves. i simply cannot handle it! so, by the time i left i was too stressed out to even think about homework.

so i went for a run. i ran a total of two miles and got like 3 wolf-whistles. hahah

and then i ate (hummus and pita bread from The Busy Bee) and showered.

i started my homework maybe around 9:15 or so. i've gotten the majority of it done. :D
but i still have to:
- get the theology notes from the L-drive
- do a math worksheet
- study for spanish
- study for theology
- write a paper

exciting, no?
so while i'm waiting for my trash to empty so i can download the new safari so i can use the new itunes, i'll be getting a snack.

D:

i just fainted twice.

once while i was trying to plug in my phone charger, and the other time was when i was trying to get back to my desk.

each time i just woke up on the floor. i have no clue how long i was out. D:

school should be fun.

*cough*

*cough hack cough cough cough cough cough*

that is me.

i feel like i've been beaten with a shovel.
i have a migraine.
i feel like i have a raccoon trying to claw it's way out of my throat.
i feel like i'm going to throw up.

i do not feel like doing anything.

i want to crawl under the covers and die.

hi thurr

so yes.. i was not at school today.

and it sounds like i missed out on something (um hello bathroom-set-on-fire).
and i really missed A. i really like his hugs and i needed one all day.

oh yes, i went to the doctor to see what the heck i'm sick with. so they swabbed my throat and pricked my finger.

because, you know, that stuff helps detect pneumonia or swine flu or whatever. NOT.

i just have a "virus", which i doubt. i just read an article on how a person with swine flu is contagious until they stop coughing. umm yes. mattyboo was coughing all week.

so i am not going to school tomorrow, but will be there (hopefully?) on wednesday.
yay.

well, the big thing today (other than going to the doctor) is that i caught up on about 5 weeks worth of Gossip Girl right before the new season started.

so i am completely ready for the THIRD SEASON. :D

oh btdubs, i'm searching for a good halloween costume. my current options are (but are not limited to):
- Star Trek medic
- someone being attacked by birds, from The Birds
- the pink power ranger
- Blair Waldorf
- Judy Jetson
- Sailor Mars
- Little Miss Muffet
- Red Riding Hood

i am really liking the Red Riding Hood one because it's a cute costume and i could carry my school books around in a picnic basket.

thoughts?

poop. D:

i was going to get my homework done today, amongst other things.
but i could not.

why?

for i am sick. i am fairly certain i have pneumonia.

again.

i will not be at school on monday and i will be going to the doctor.

peace out, homes.

whoaa

dude, seriously. why does it take me forever to get around to updating this thing?

well, on friday matt came home with me before the gibbons vs. ravenscroft game. we looked at shoes online for a while and left to go pick celia up.

we got to the game, made our way into the student section and then about 20 minutes later, the rest of our friends joined us. and we watched the game and talked and generally had a good time.

oh and i acted kinda like a slut. or slutty as compared to my normal, modest self.

which, annie, is surprisingly modest.

and i guess you could say i bonded with anthony. but not physically, you perv.

then celia and i went back to my house, and ate tacos and stuff at like midnight and talked until 1. we slept super late, ate cereal for lunch, and watched 15 episodes of Sailor Moon, 1 episode of House, and an episode of Lizzie McGuire.

after we took her home, mom and i went to PR (The Player's Retreat. It's in Raleigh. Go there next time there is a State game or a Canes game. I swear to God, it's great.) and I had some potato skins in leu of my normal pete burger. after that fun meal we went and saw 500 Days of Summer at the Rialto starring Zooey Deschanel.

Zooey Deschanel is too pretty for words and when i grow up to be rich, i am going to buy her clothes from her and have some surgery to look like her. well, not really, but she is really freaking pretty. and talented.

i think i might get colored contacts.

so while i have not even touched my backpack since i got home from school on friday (literally), i feel that this weekend has been super successful. i spent time with friends, which reinforced that i have friends and a semblance of a social life, i caught up on my Sailor Moon (though not my Gossip Girl), i saw a movie, and i got a boyfriend.

;D

happy of the day: i got both extra credit questions on my english vocab quiz right. they were "how many planes were used in the attacks on 9/11?" and "who was the mayor of new york on 9/11?"






p.s. the answers are 4 and Rudy Giuliani.

i think it's working.

nothing new to report, other than i had a physical and went to church.

the physical went well and i got the internasal flu mist vaccine. it was very nice and non-stressful, unlike shots.

or needles in general.

church was decent. Trey helped me away from The Gal and had me sit next to kelly during his presentation on what christian music is and how there is no such thing as "christian" music, only music with christian allusions and how the artist or the album shouldn't be judged on the artist's actions on stage or on the lyrics, but on the content of the songs. and that is what "christian music" is. i probably just massacred his whole presentation, but i wasn't paying attention for a great deal of it.

oh. yes. well.

i think the blog is working.
"umm you basically changed the whole point of this blog..." you might say.
well, not entirely. becoming positive is a process.

why do i think it's working?
on the way to church my mom was all,
"i really like how positive you're being."

i credit it to a combination of the blog and church.
woo.

daaang!

wow. long time, no post.
well, it's tuesday. cool.

last week was pretty boring. nothing much happened until friday.

on friday, meghan took me to the landmark aviation building for my FLIGHT TO BURMUDA!!! we got there early because everyone kept telling us there was a ton of traffic. but there wasn't so we went to briar creek for a few minutes.

when our (by "our," i mean "mine") plane finally arrived, i got my stuff on, and gave K the cookies i bought at southern seasons. it was great. Dad, K, and k were there, along with K's parents, The Ps, Thomas, Amy, Kay and Sherman.

i got to ride in the jump seat for landing in Burmuda with the pilots. well, they weren't in the jump seat, but the jump seat is in the cockpit. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!! the moon was reflecting off the water and it was gorgeous. Burmuda is so tiny! you could see it all from 500 feet.

we got to the house around 10 pm. we had eaten dinner on the plane (pork tenderloin and veggies. yum!) so we kinda explored around. i saw the whale bones in person for the first time with the moon reflecting off of them. they are so white! and huge! and there are so many of them! i also saw the fort, and Mrs. P showed me the puzzle cabinet and we started working on this puzzle called, "The Christening."

on saturday, we woke up early and had breakfast. Dad, K, k, and i took two wave runners out around 11 to sand dollar beach and found some really cool sand dollars. then we rode them around the bay for a little while. we went back for lunch around 12:45 or so.

after lunch, we snorkled around the dock and scouted out some more bones to dig up. (the main purpose of the trip was to dig up the whale.) after we found some and marked them, we went up to the pool and splashed around, then eventually headed down to the beach and played in the ocean.

for dinner, dad, K, k, and i were alone as everyone else had romantic dinners with their significant others planned. we had some delish steak and potatoes. afterwards, we watched The Incredibles. well, dad and k played and watched, and K and i puzzled.

on sunday, we woke up and got ready for a cruise on Mr. P's big boat. everyone came (except sherman because he doesn't like water), including the man who produced all the old cartoons, like Rudolph and such. we went out to the other side of the island to this steamboat shipwreck and anchored. all of us (except Mr. P) snorkled around for about an hour or so. we had a delish lunch while we started our cruise around the island. Burmuda is so pretty! i have to live there someday.

after we docked, dad and i broke out the third lungs and regulators and started to dig up the bones. i found a great rib and what i'm calling the scapula. we also found three or four other ribs. one broke, so i took a fragment of that home with me. it's currently on my desk. :D

that night, everyone, including the pilots and the flight attendant, came to the house for a lobster dinner. it was AMAZING. the Burmuda lobster season started on september 1st, so this was the first time this year than any of us have had lobster. it was incredible. we all sat around and talked, and watched the moon come up. pure magic.

oh, and we finished the puzzle.

on monday, dad, K, k, and i went out on the beach and built this epic sand castle and played in the waves. seriously, the castle was amazing. it had this huge moat, two tunnels, and some trees. i made this great sea wall from sand towers, seaweed, and a 2x4 that K found in a cave.

after lunch, which consisted of fantastic tomato soup and sandwiches with melted cheese, tomatos, and bacon, we moved some of the bones that we had under the dock into a cave. the dock is right under a cliff, and there was no way we could carry all those bones up and store them before we had to pack.

for take off, i rode in the jump seat again. this time it wasn't as cool because i couldn't see anything except sky.

k and i watched College Road Trip on the flight. it was surprisingly amusing.

i rode in the jump seat for landing at RDU. it was kinda scary because it was raining and the captains kept saying, "you can't see crap!"

and that was the end of my adventure.

oh yes. mom met K for the first time when she was picking me up. it wasn't as awkward as i thought i was going to be.

today (tuesday) was picture day. i'm fairly certain i look like poop, but people kept telling me i looked ok. sure. whatever.

our first field hockey practice was after school, which ROCKED. all the girls are pretty cool and i think we'll have a great team/club.

that's pretty much it...

OH YES. matt has the swine!! so i'm making him a care package.
so pray for his recovery or something like that.

yep.

blehh

today was ok.
i got to bed pretty early last night, so i rewarded my efforts with about 30 extra minutes of sleep. tomorrow i will only go 15 minutes, if any.

english was fun. we talked about stuff and our teacher declared our book absolutely boring.

dance. oh my goodness. while i love dance and dancing and the teacher, the room is crowded. i am usually in the back, so i have to restrict my movements to avoid crashing. do you know how hard that is? take a really difficult dance that makes you sweat a lot (yea. fun.) and then do the sissy version of it while trying to do the regular. it's hard.
and i sweat a lot with the dance we're learning so i have to wear skirts or risk major sweatage after class.

today at lunch i kinda just read stuff on my phone and one of the better looking guys in our grade (annie, you know who that is. the blonde one.) was all like, "is that an iphone?" and we made petty talk and he looked down at my screen and was all "MLIA!!!" and scooted very close to me (my foot was like on his butt) and we read MLIA for like ten minutes. we then talked about all our fave sites.

chem was ok. we had a test.

spanish. holy crapo. i extremely dislike this class. we have a quiz tomorrow. matt and i are seriously the only people who have never taken spanish before and it being spanish 1, you would think that it would be super simple and step by step. no. the teacher like breezes through EVERYTHING because everyone but me and matt already know it!!!

i "understand" it enough, but i can't speak it. it is basically memorization. and c'est tres stupide. or "el mucho stupido." yea, sure.

mom and i went to durham after school for a doctor's appointment and we got there early. so we went to these cute vintage shops. one was Dolly's and the other was Portobello Road. i love Dolly's. there is the best stuff in there that's actually kinda wearable. i got this cute pair of jodhpurs. i guess that's how you spell it. but they are cute and vintagey and kinda make me look like the chick in the middle:

http://thefoodinista.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/angels.jpg

but not as butch lesbo/possessed.

yeppp. then i went to youth group and we went around and visited elderly people, or as matt called them "oldies." we split up into predesignated groups and went to visit one old member of the church who like never comes named nellie phillips. she is really freaking cool. she's 96, is in perfect physical condition, has a great mind and memory, and drives herself places. she's a member of a bridge club and goes out to lunch with different people like three times a week. that part was great but my group... not so much.
it's me, this 6th grader who never talks and looks like something is about to leap out at her, this chick that i don't know very well, and this other gal that i want to slap. she is horribly rude and interrupts all the time. she has no social grace and she doesn't really pay attention. i saw nellie give her this look like, "come on. really?" and i thought that she would at least try to be polite in the presence of an elderly person. but no. she sat there fidgeting (and she's a big girl, so those limbs were every where) and slouching (she was almost literally lying down) and SMACKING HER GUM. with her mouth OPEN. and it was LOUD.

the conversation went like this:
mrs. phillips- "and my grandson lives in flor-..."
gal i want to slap- "where does he live in florida?"
mrs. phillips- "saraso-..."
gal- "i know some people who live in clear water, does he live there?"
mrs. phillips- *look of death* "no, he lives in sarasota. he fishes and likes sports. he's my only grandson by-..."
gal- "this is your son, right?"

ugh. and this gal completely monopolizes me at youth group, so it is literally impossible for me to talk to any of my other friends. instead, i am forced to hang out with this chick and her nasty friends. i am going to send an email to my youth director requesting that i be in a different group because "i want to forge new friendships which is impossible to do because i am currently so close to" this chick.

yep.

so i finished my homework around 9:45 and am going to go shower and straighten my hair.
:D

happy: we have mass tomorrow which means that we won't be dancing the insane dance that makes me sweat a lot.

tralala

today was a pretty good day.

i looked decent. i danced well. i had all my work ready to turn in.
i must say that i didn't eat as much today at lunch after The Realization, and
lamented the fact that i can no longer fit into some of my skirts and pants.

i came home from school to a box on my front porch filled with my clothes that i left in dallas, including KHAKI SKIRTS that fit!!!! this made me super excited. i plan on wearing one tomorrow.
annie will be glad to know that i shaved my legs in preparation.

BUT. there is happier news.

this upcoming weekend is labor day weekend or some other holiday that results in a long weekend. dad and i are going to bermuda with k and her family to tan, swim, and excavate a whale. :D
but to do this i was going to have to take a 7 a.m. flight on friday, thus missing a day of school which i would have to make up eventually. and i'm not good at making work up.

i received an email from dad saying that k's family's plane will be stopping at RDU at 6 pm on friday and i am going to be on that flight. not only does that mean that i won't have to check bags and go through major security, but it also means that i won't miss school!!
:D x 1000000000

being so happy, i quickly did my massive amount of homework and showered. it is now 9:51 pm and i am ready for bed. this is monumental.

alas, i did not go for a run today. not out of pure laziness, but my mother wouldn't let me because i am "still weak" from "that cold that you had over the weekend."
um. ok. so i am convinced that my mom is trying to make me fat because i am allowed to participate in a rigorous dance class for 45 minutes, but not go on a short run for about 20 minutes.

kidding.

sort of.

happy of the day:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/my-book-proposal-for-the-next-bestselling-piece-of-shit/

i found that last night when i was slacking. it made me laugh hysterically.

realization

i am fat.

well, not exactly "fat" per say, but definitely in possession of more womanly curves,
as you could call them.

i call them ugly and gross, among other things.

i eat like a pig and i don't work out as much as i should.

i came to this realization as i was trying on this adorable size 0 theory skirt that i bought last year to see what i should wear with it to school tomorrow. guess who couldn't button it?
this wouldn't be so traumatic if the skirt had been a little tight last year, but last year, a mere 10 months ago, it hung loosely around my hips!! it now clenches tightly around my hips/muffin top. it is hideous.

this discovery prompted me to try on all of my khaki.
the majority of my pants don't fit and there was one pair i couldn't pull up past my thighs.
so i tried on the rest of my skirts. my "fat skirts" are my new "skinny" skirts.

ballsack.

i guess i never really noticed the weight gain, which i assume to be from this past summer, because i spent every day in either running shorts, a dress, or dance clothes. and dance clothes are surprisingly forgiving. which sucks because you can't tell if you're getting fat or not. and they're even more forgiving when you aren't dancing in front of a mirror.

ugh. i don't like this. last year, i was so pretty and skinny!! i weighed 87 pounds. i shudder at what i weigh now.

and yes, i realize that 87 pounds may not sound like much, but mind you that i am extremely short and my mother weighed 96 pounds when she got married.
right now, i probably weigh as much as my mom did when she had me (around 105 pounds). that is disgusting. i weigh as much as a pregnant lady.

tomorrow, i will chug water like it's going out of style, i will not eat any junk food or unnecessary snacks, and i will go running after school for at least 30 minutes.

if i don't go running, i will not wear eyeliner on wednesday.
or reapply eyeliner, more likely.

with love,
the fat-ass

*sniiiiifff*

as i write, i am relaxing in a state a little south of comfortable in a white wife beater, a sweater, and boxer shorts. i have a mug of tea next to me along with some sort of nasal spray. 

i got nothing on my list done today, save for my easy homework and making shopping plans with matt. i stayed inside, drank tea, ate soup, and watched Dirty Jobs reruns. 

tomorrow i will most likely have to drag myself out of bed, drink some tea, eat some oatmeal, and get cracking on my other homework. 

i will not be going to church or youth group or choir (yes, i am doing that), which is a huge disappointment. 

why? 

i am sick. 

i have a head cold. 

no, it's not h1n1, i've checked. i don't have body aches or a sudden fever. 

i am tired, i feel like i've had two pens jammed up my nose, and then beaten about the head with a 2x4. 

i am going to sleep. 

side note

i think i have found one of my long-lost friends on facebook. 

haley caffey (presley, you know her). 

but i don't know if it's my haley caffey. 

i mean, how weird would it be to be some random haley caffey in dallas and get a friend

request from this random chick in north carolina?

xtc?

no, silly. not that crappy band. i just felt bad putting the name of a drug on my blog. 

today was decent. well, more than decent. 

school was good, i killed at this dance to "i'm the one" by mary j. blige.

lunch was fun. 

i taught my friends this game where you say, "____, but not ____."

there's a pattern to which words can be used and you aren't supposed to tell the

others The Rule. and the object of the game is to figure out what the rule of the game is.

so i told it to my friend Waffles so we can piss everyone off on monday. :D

it's a great game. it's called, "odd, but not peculiar"

but i'd start out saying something like, 

"strawberry, but not banana." 

and then someone else would say something like,

"all, but not many."

and then someone would say something like, 

"grape, but not cherry."

"WRONG."

and then they'd be like "what the heck is wrong with that answer? is there a rule of some kind?"

wanna know the rule?

i'll tell you the rule.

ok. the first word in the pair has a double letter (like "strawberry").

but if you said something like, "jelly, but not peanut butter," you'd be wrong because both words have a double letter and that just can't happen. oh, and the words don't have to relate to each other.

it's great fun.

and la-di-da up to spanish. we had our first quiz thing. i only got one wrong (yay me) 

and i know now that matt is officially kick-ass. yesterday he and i had a huge convo about sunglasses (he has some dolces, i have kate spades, and we both have raybans.) and today

he said, "liz, i really like your tory's."

heck yes. not only did he properly identify the brand of flats that i was wearing, but he called them tory's. i think i've found a new best friend.

yep. so that was my day. 

madonna, but not britney.

hai thurr

wow. i've been in school almost a full week! 

already i'm exhausted. 

i have a ton of homework every night, and i usually get distracted by things like

facebook, makemebabies.com, and stuff like that...

but tonight i'm going to do this thing at church

and i won't get back until late, so i have to knock it out before 5:00. 

yeaa. 

beeteedubs, i went to youth group on sunday for like the first time in a few months. 

last time i went, one of the lawyers in our congregation came to talk to us. it turned out that it was this hypocritical asswipe who also happened to be my dad's divorce attorney. yippie. 

needless to say, i kinda freaked out and haven't been back ever since. 

until last sunday. 

so i signed up for this thing every wednesday and we go visit old people or something. i didn't really read the description but it'll look good on any recommendations i may need. 

so whoa. i may have the most eclectic volunteer list ever:

- volunteered at art show

- volunteered at the Texas Planned Parenthood meeting thing

- volunteered to visit old people

cool. paintings, planed parenthood and people. 

ahh yes! my spanish news of the day. 

yesterday, senora lang called on me to answer this question in spanish and, of course, i had no clue how to say it in spanish. so i simply apologized for not speaking spanish and proceeded to answer the question in french. 

the french teacher laughed (she was in the back of the room). 

i doubt senora will call on me anytime soon. ;D

soo that's what's up avec moi. 

yeahh. 

happy of the day: i busted out "mad about you" before dance class and ms. owens liked it. 

wow.

i slept really late today, so i'm feeling very good.

currently i am watching the most random/crappy movie i've ever seen on tv. 

i have no clue what it is, but three people are battling mummies and they randomly kill people 

and blow up stuff and there is this random guy running about. also it has a really shitty script. 

"death... is only the beginning." followed by "gotta go!"

wow. that is profound. 

i am going to not watch this anymore. it's not even funny bad. it's just bad.

yippie

so it's official. i am not going to hate spanish as much as i thought i would. 

i have a new friend. his name is matt. matt is a freshman and he sits beside me and he honestly reminds me of presley. he commented on my awesome coloring skills (i decorated my binder with a picture of hello kitty in a sombrero. it's from my coloring book.) and he liked that i call my notebook my fiesta notebook. 

we also started learning the alphabet (el alfabeto or something). it was funish. 

i took chase with me to the durham bulls game tonight. it was great. i introduced him to TFLN which he thinks is much better than FML now. he's right. 

and then i came home and found this:

Today, My girlfriend and I were discussing how I am happy all the time and she is always complaining about something. Later on I noticed that she is an avid FML reader and I am an avid MLIA reader. Then it all came together. MLIA 

heck yes.

i feel like i have become an MLIAer. 

- i have built a fort

- i don't read FML

- i have a cat

- i have told random people that "my life is average" and "i love you."

- i bond with strangers

- i have had a duel with light sabers in target

the only thing i have left to do is yell "avada kedavra!" at someone. 

i realized today in chemistry that i haven't been sticking with my "i will not say hate" thing and my happy of the day. 

so tomorrow i will restart the "i don't say hate" thing.

and little bit of happy: i found really pretty pictures of me dancing. i may post them on facebook.

first day of school = success?

so today was the first day of my sophomore year

and i'm scared. 

surprisingly, chemistry isn't one of the classes i'm worried about. it's algebra 2/trig honors,

world history honors and spanish 1. 

let's go through each class one by one, shall we? we'll go in order.

english 10 honors: i really liked mrs. burns. she seemed really cool to begin with and i liked her much more once she referred to tyler hansbrough as a tool. 

world history honors: this class seems fun, but it'll be a lot of work. i like history though, but i'm horrid at dates.

dance 3 (now honors): the dance room was re-done!! marley floor, heck yes!!

lunch: i'm so glad that i have a lot of friends in 4th lunch, but it's too early for lunch. normal people don't eat lunch so early.

chemistry: mrs. smith is awesome and seems agreeable. hopefully i won't get sick as much as i did last year.

theology 10: mr. dmytriw (pronounced "duh mi tru." i know. i don't get that either.) seems like a more monotone and religious and certainly straight version of mr. hartman, my 6th grade advisor. we'll see how this class progresses.

spanish 1: well. i don't speak spanish. it is not my choice to take this class. i was the only sophomore in there and i was surrounded by freshman who have been taking spanish since they were in kindergarten. i don't like to get bested by anyone, particularly people younger than me. while in this class, i learned that there was going to be a german class but plans for that failed. if i had known, i totally would have taken german! i know lots of people that i could practice with. and hello! "kindergarten", "dachshund" and "wiener schnitzel." that's all german! 

i had a conversation with mme. smith after school about why i wasn't taking french. she told me that everyone was wondering where i was (since i helped everyone a lot last year) and that they all missed me. she also told me, "je ne peux pas voir que vous disant "hola!" c'est dommage. you are so good at french!"

i miss it. at least some of the words are similar to french. but it sounds so... raw. 

i agree with madame smith. c'est dommage.

algebra 2/trig. honors: our teacher wasn't there and won't be in for like two weeks. party?

i got all my binders. they're all lime green. i also got some notebooks. one has aquaman and batman on it (that's for chemistry) and another has michael scott (steve carrell's character on the office) with 'leadership' under the picture. that is for world history. i also got one to cheer me up in algebra. it's from the HSM3 collection and has zac effron (or zaquisha as he is lovingly known) on it. 

tres mignon. 

hmpf

big set back today.

i slept through two alarms and flipped the fuck out.

i don't do well in situations like that. so i took a shower and calmed down.

and then i flipped out about my hair. i realized that i don't like it too much with the bangs and all. it's hard to take care of and i wanted to grow it out. 

stupid, stupid me. i shouldn't make big decisions when i'm tired and not on my meds. 

seriously.

so i'm back to cleaning my room. the flip out set me back... a lot. 

woot. 

tralala

I was over at my aunt's house for the day so I could babysit for her kids while she did stuff. 

I woke up late, which meant the kids could do whatever unsupervised. D:

BUT THEN I redeemed myself by helping Grace paint her nails, helping Robert build a Lego helicopter (btw, Kathleen, I told them about your Sweet 16th idea and they now think I have really cool friends.) and to finish it off, gave them a super nutritious breakfast of waffles and gingerbread house.

I have officially been declared the coolest cousin in the world and the best babysitter. 

It made my life. 

And then I got paid. And that made my life even more.

So now I am trying to clean my room, which isn't going well. I decided to read MLIA and came across this lovely post:

Today, I realized that since switching from an avid FML reader to an avid MLIA reader, my life has seemed a lot less terrible, and a lot more average. Needless to say, I'm pleased with the trade-off. MLIA. 

And that, small children, is why the lovely, pretty and cool babysitter started this blog and stopped reading FML.

And now. The big mission for tomorrow. (dun dun dunnnn)

Tomorrow I will stop using the word "hate." I will instead use phrases like, "dislike greatly," "don't approve of," and "je n'aime pas qu'a tout."

yehaw. 

ayee

I apologize for the drastic lack of updates the past few days. 

You see, I am at my mom's house and I fixed the wireless approximately four minutes ago because I am a genius. And I couldn't blog from my phone.

Anyways, these past few days have been relatively well, aside from the fact that my great-aunt died and there was a big funeral on Saturday.

I got my nails done today which made me really happy. If any of you (If there are any of you.) follow me on twitter (http://twitter.com/emorganxx), you would know how happy it made me. 

I am in the process of unpacking and cleaning and rearranging my room and all this stuff that has to get done before school starts on Thursday and oh! It's a big mess. 

Oh yes. I remember what I was going to blog about today. For the past few days (since I couldn't blog.) I would tell myself things that I like to do and things I am good at. Kind of like my own version of this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHTN4Jvi6lg

It helps a lot when I start to think stuff like, "I'm fat."

So today's little bit of happy is: I am a tech-goddess. I was able to fix a problem Dave, Jill and Agnes at Time Warner Cable couldn't. Hah. 

so hi.

Today was a fairly good day in my process. 

I went shopping and got a ton of goodies, including some hot new vans, which are my new love. I apologize to you, iPhone, but sorry. What can I say?

I had dinner with K and D. That went... better than I thought since it was sushi and I'm not a huge fan of raw... things. The conversation went well, and I didn't make any snafus such as on the way over. We were discussing vaccinations and how K's daughter got that nifty inhale-through-the-nose flu vaccination. Then I brought up how I never got that and I was terrified of needles and so on and so forth. I tried to save it by bringing up how even though I despise shots, I don't mind having my blood drawn. Then the convo went to that. Good save on my part, I think.

Anyways, my big project today was ridding myself of the negative facebook groups like, "I hate Tyler Hansbrough." (I didn't remove myself from "Tyler Hansbrough is a Girl" because like any good Duke fan, I have to dislike him). I just don't want to have that negative energy around me. 

Tomorrow's project? Trying to survive waking up at 7:30 a.m. and flying home to N.C. without accidentally biting someone's head off. (And by "someone," I mean my dad). I would like to go ahead and thank the people at Starbucks, who I'm sure will be fantastic, for dealing with me tomorrow and getting me my skinny vanilla latte. Yum.

oh my lord

This slipped my mind. 

I would really like to thank my friends and family for being so supportive of my unconventional method of blogging away my negativity, especially Anthony who I called last night in tears. 

As I was sitting in my shower, sobbing into the phone, Anthony made me list out things that I am good at, things that I like, and things that make me really happy. That conversation (or really, him listening to me mumble things like, "I can make a chocolate soufflé from scratch wahhhh.") made me realize I have a lot of things going for me and I need to focus on that. 

So I went to bed feeling better about that, and woke up in the middle of the night like, "I need to blog about this."

So thank you Anthony.

Second (or third) post in a day.

So anyways, today was my first day in a while not reading FML. I honestly think that it helped a little bit. 

The reason I decided to blackball it was because I felt like I was always looking for events during my day that were FML worthy, so not reading FML would therefore make me focus on things that are not FML worthy. 

And that is the last time I will mention FML. C'est fini.

In addition to my lounge day with Sloan, I had a tennis lesson which went well despite the fact that I was dead tired. I also had dinner at the club with my family and I taught my uncle this hand game. It gave me great joy that I was infinitely better at it than he was, and then my aunt kicked my butt during a speed round. It was a really fun night.

little by little

So after last night, I stayed in bed with my cats all day and watched Clueless. It was really enjoyable. I think that Clueless was a good movie to watch on my first official day of becoming positive because the main character, Cher, is able to transform herself from a totally clueless narcissistic snob into someone who has great friends and who cares about others. 

I really watched it because it was the only DVD I could find. 

So, I removed the link from FML from my bookmarks bar and moved the app to page 4 on my phone. It wasn't as grand as I imagined it feeling but I think it will make a difference... maybe.

What to do?

Hi. This is not my first blog. I believe my first blog was just a pointless blog about my life as a student. My second was about my life and classes at the American Dance Festival in '08. Then I had another one but it was another pointless one that I made because I was bored.

Why is this blog any different from my others? Well, this is not a blog about me, but for me. I have decided to start this blog because I am a generally negative person. Quite frankly, I don't like that much at all. 

After I saw the wonderful movie, Julie & Julia, I was inspired that writing a blog can change a person so much. Shortly after the movie, I was informed that I was negative which obviously made me very upset. I have been feeling that I haven't been as sunshiney as I could be and that comment made me realize that I had to do something.

So here I am on my blog at 2:00 A.M. doing something about my negativity. I will start small, of course, and work towards becoming as positive and happy as possible. So starting later today, I shall remove the link for FML from my bookmarks bar on my mac and move my FML app on my phone to a different page. As it is my guilty pleasure, seeing how this goes will be quite interesting.