i am awful.

Today I broke things off with Anthony.

I feel like a low-down, good for nothing, worthless jerk. I've been debating the matter for at least a week, and today is really the first time I've seen him. I've been talking about this stuff with Celia because she's my best friend but now that I think about it, she's not really a good person to talk to about these matters because she's never really had a legit boyfriend. Apparently, she has been randomly talking to Anthony about our relationship (she didn't approve, by the way) and all this stuff, so he kinda knew.

She wasn't supposed to tell anyone. But she had to go and tell him of all people. I was hoping to remain friends with him because I do really like him, but now really just isn't a good time to have a relationship. Now I don't think that's going to happen because he played the "I heard it on the grapevine" card. Did I mention that Celia never liked him in the first place?

My reasons for breaking things off:
- we're sophomores with no income
- we're sophomores with no cars or licenses
- we never see each other during the day
- we never see each other outside of school
- we live very far away from each other
- most of my friends dislike him
- there is a drastic lack of communication

Reasons I feel like shit about this:
- I really like him
- We probably could have worked through this
- The lack of communication wasn't just from him
- I like him a lot
- He found out from a friend, so it makes me seem like a big ol' jerk (which I am)
- He deserves better

He really does deserve much better than me. I am a horrible person who didn't try hard enough to communicate with him so that we could try and work things out and who talks to her friends about relationship advice. He is a wonderful person who I think genuinely liked me. He has witnessed me when I'm in a really good mood and he talked me through one of the rougher nights in my life. He really shouldn't have to deal with me and my awful person-ness.

From this relationship, I've learned that communication is key and that I'm awful at this stuff and should probably refrain from any relationships ever because I'll nit-pick them to death and fuck it all up and hurt someone that I really care for.

I'm happy for him. He can go find someone who he likes and have a wonderful relationship with her (or him. I don't judge.). I'm just going to not hurt any other guy by not getting into a relationship for at least until college.*


* I am a total hypocrite, so I will probably date someone else before college. And I will probably eff that up too.