i am awful.

Today I broke things off with Anthony.

I feel like a low-down, good for nothing, worthless jerk. I've been debating the matter for at least a week, and today is really the first time I've seen him. I've been talking about this stuff with Celia because she's my best friend but now that I think about it, she's not really a good person to talk to about these matters because she's never really had a legit boyfriend. Apparently, she has been randomly talking to Anthony about our relationship (she didn't approve, by the way) and all this stuff, so he kinda knew.

She wasn't supposed to tell anyone. But she had to go and tell him of all people. I was hoping to remain friends with him because I do really like him, but now really just isn't a good time to have a relationship. Now I don't think that's going to happen because he played the "I heard it on the grapevine" card. Did I mention that Celia never liked him in the first place?

My reasons for breaking things off:
- we're sophomores with no income
- we're sophomores with no cars or licenses
- we never see each other during the day
- we never see each other outside of school
- we live very far away from each other
- most of my friends dislike him
- there is a drastic lack of communication

Reasons I feel like shit about this:
- I really like him
- We probably could have worked through this
- The lack of communication wasn't just from him
- I like him a lot
- He found out from a friend, so it makes me seem like a big ol' jerk (which I am)
- He deserves better

He really does deserve much better than me. I am a horrible person who didn't try hard enough to communicate with him so that we could try and work things out and who talks to her friends about relationship advice. He is a wonderful person who I think genuinely liked me. He has witnessed me when I'm in a really good mood and he talked me through one of the rougher nights in my life. He really shouldn't have to deal with me and my awful person-ness.

From this relationship, I've learned that communication is key and that I'm awful at this stuff and should probably refrain from any relationships ever because I'll nit-pick them to death and fuck it all up and hurt someone that I really care for.

I'm happy for him. He can go find someone who he likes and have a wonderful relationship with her (or him. I don't judge.). I'm just going to not hurt any other guy by not getting into a relationship for at least until college.*


* I am a total hypocrite, so I will probably date someone else before college. And I will probably eff that up too.

flowing locks of nothing

sometimes i just want to shave my head.

*sob*

long time, no post. but everything until now has been a constant cycle of getting sick and doing mucho make up work.

so, I've been wanting to go to the Naval Academy since 3rd or 4th grade and since it's getting to that time when I need to start looking at and applying to schools, I thought I'd troll around on the USNA Admission site.

As I was trolling, I found some things very helpful, like the CFA test and that the minimum height for women is 5 feet. Also, people with severe acne that is not under control are disqualified from applying. Isn't that random?

Anyways, I was clicking around on the Career Opportunities page, reading along happily, when I noticed a link to the "Career Opportunities for Women" page. It didn't make it very clear, whatever it was trying to get across. So I thought nothing of it.

After I had exhausted most of the pages, I started reading through the FAQs. There amongst the athletic questions and questions about Plebe summer was The Question:

What career paths are open to women?

For those too lazy to click on it, it leads to this answer:

The Navy is now assigning women to combat vessels and aircraft following the repeal of the combat exclusion law. Since the repeal of the combat exclusion law (Section 6015, Title 10, U.S. Code), the opportunities for women have been identical as those for men with the exception of submarines and Special Warfare in the Navy, and infantry, artillery, and armor in the Marine Corps.

Cool, right? Women are now being assigned to combat vessels and aircraft! And the opportunities for women are identical to those for men!! Except for submarines and Special Warfare... submarines, who cares? Wait... Special Warfare? WHAT?

Yes, that's right. Women can't hold positions in Special Warfare, otherwise known as the Navy SEALs.

No big deal, right? Far from it. I have been working towards becoming a SEAL after graduation from the USNA since 4th grade. That is basically what I have been working my butt off for for the last six years. And now I find out that I can't be a SEAL because I have a uterus and an ovary?

I literally cried when I saw that.

Today will not be a good day.

*sigh*

still busy, not much going on.

the quarter is ending tomorrow, so i still have a ton of work.

my dad is coming into town this weekend with his girlfriend and her daughter. we're doing some things and such. dad and i are going to the fair on sunday.

the fall dance is on saturday. anthony still has not asked me and i have no clue if he's going. as much as i like him, i don't think that this is going to be a fantastic "relationship." there is something about the lack of communication and enthusiasm that has got me worried.

whoooa

sup. so i haven't posted in about two weeks.
i don't have much time to type because i have a shitload of stuff to do for homework, but here's a quick overview.

i got sick on friday of spirit week. i (think) i was out monday, struggled to make everything up. cool.

some other work stuff happened, got sick again.

this past monday, i passed out/collapsed in the hall, went home, threw up twice, and stayed home on tuesday. i'm back at school (wednesday) and i have a ton of stuff to make up.

that's it. when i have more, i'll post.