i am awful.

Today I broke things off with Anthony.

I feel like a low-down, good for nothing, worthless jerk. I've been debating the matter for at least a week, and today is really the first time I've seen him. I've been talking about this stuff with Celia because she's my best friend but now that I think about it, she's not really a good person to talk to about these matters because she's never really had a legit boyfriend. Apparently, she has been randomly talking to Anthony about our relationship (she didn't approve, by the way) and all this stuff, so he kinda knew.

She wasn't supposed to tell anyone. But she had to go and tell him of all people. I was hoping to remain friends with him because I do really like him, but now really just isn't a good time to have a relationship. Now I don't think that's going to happen because he played the "I heard it on the grapevine" card. Did I mention that Celia never liked him in the first place?

My reasons for breaking things off:
- we're sophomores with no income
- we're sophomores with no cars or licenses
- we never see each other during the day
- we never see each other outside of school
- we live very far away from each other
- most of my friends dislike him
- there is a drastic lack of communication

Reasons I feel like shit about this:
- I really like him
- We probably could have worked through this
- The lack of communication wasn't just from him
- I like him a lot
- He found out from a friend, so it makes me seem like a big ol' jerk (which I am)
- He deserves better

He really does deserve much better than me. I am a horrible person who didn't try hard enough to communicate with him so that we could try and work things out and who talks to her friends about relationship advice. He is a wonderful person who I think genuinely liked me. He has witnessed me when I'm in a really good mood and he talked me through one of the rougher nights in my life. He really shouldn't have to deal with me and my awful person-ness.

From this relationship, I've learned that communication is key and that I'm awful at this stuff and should probably refrain from any relationships ever because I'll nit-pick them to death and fuck it all up and hurt someone that I really care for.

I'm happy for him. He can go find someone who he likes and have a wonderful relationship with her (or him. I don't judge.). I'm just going to not hurt any other guy by not getting into a relationship for at least until college.*


* I am a total hypocrite, so I will probably date someone else before college. And I will probably eff that up too.

flowing locks of nothing

sometimes i just want to shave my head.

*sob*

long time, no post. but everything until now has been a constant cycle of getting sick and doing mucho make up work.

so, I've been wanting to go to the Naval Academy since 3rd or 4th grade and since it's getting to that time when I need to start looking at and applying to schools, I thought I'd troll around on the USNA Admission site.

As I was trolling, I found some things very helpful, like the CFA test and that the minimum height for women is 5 feet. Also, people with severe acne that is not under control are disqualified from applying. Isn't that random?

Anyways, I was clicking around on the Career Opportunities page, reading along happily, when I noticed a link to the "Career Opportunities for Women" page. It didn't make it very clear, whatever it was trying to get across. So I thought nothing of it.

After I had exhausted most of the pages, I started reading through the FAQs. There amongst the athletic questions and questions about Plebe summer was The Question:

What career paths are open to women?

For those too lazy to click on it, it leads to this answer:

The Navy is now assigning women to combat vessels and aircraft following the repeal of the combat exclusion law. Since the repeal of the combat exclusion law (Section 6015, Title 10, U.S. Code), the opportunities for women have been identical as those for men with the exception of submarines and Special Warfare in the Navy, and infantry, artillery, and armor in the Marine Corps.

Cool, right? Women are now being assigned to combat vessels and aircraft! And the opportunities for women are identical to those for men!! Except for submarines and Special Warfare... submarines, who cares? Wait... Special Warfare? WHAT?

Yes, that's right. Women can't hold positions in Special Warfare, otherwise known as the Navy SEALs.

No big deal, right? Far from it. I have been working towards becoming a SEAL after graduation from the USNA since 4th grade. That is basically what I have been working my butt off for for the last six years. And now I find out that I can't be a SEAL because I have a uterus and an ovary?

I literally cried when I saw that.

Today will not be a good day.

*sigh*

still busy, not much going on.

the quarter is ending tomorrow, so i still have a ton of work.

my dad is coming into town this weekend with his girlfriend and her daughter. we're doing some things and such. dad and i are going to the fair on sunday.

the fall dance is on saturday. anthony still has not asked me and i have no clue if he's going. as much as i like him, i don't think that this is going to be a fantastic "relationship." there is something about the lack of communication and enthusiasm that has got me worried.

whoooa

sup. so i haven't posted in about two weeks.
i don't have much time to type because i have a shitload of stuff to do for homework, but here's a quick overview.

i got sick on friday of spirit week. i (think) i was out monday, struggled to make everything up. cool.

some other work stuff happened, got sick again.

this past monday, i passed out/collapsed in the hall, went home, threw up twice, and stayed home on tuesday. i'm back at school (wednesday) and i have a ton of stuff to make up.

that's it. when i have more, i'll post.

Wild West Day

today was not as exhilarating as i expected (or half-expected) it to be.

i wanted to dress as Lily von Shtupp from Blazing Saddles, but was advised that it was in poor taste. so i went as an Indian (or Navajo Native American, if you want to get all p.c. about it.) but i forgot my headband so i just looked like a retard in moccasins.

i felt nasty and gross all day. my bangs got all greasy for some reason, so i looked like a retard in moccasins who fell into a deep fryer. i'm glad Anthony wasn't there today even though i do miss him. he shouldn't be subjected to me on my sub-par days.

i went to the doctor after school because i've been having this nasty cough for the past two weeks. i went in last monday and i didn't "have anything." well, today i got the new doctor and apparently i've had pneumonia for the past two weeks. so, Dr. Muff, that's why i've been coughing, and hocking loogies, and feeling all out of breath for the past two weeks! gee i wish i had known this sooner so i could have, oh i don't know, been taking medicine so i can get on with my life? middle aged pediatrician dumbass.

tomorrow is Gold Day. i don't know what to wear, as i have a very limited selection of gold/yellow.

i am taking the 10 pm bus/van to where ever my youth group is going, so i'll stop by the homecoming game for a little while and see my friends. i really hope Anthony is feeling better so i can see him...

Cartoon Day

huzzah for cartoon day.

this week was/is incredibly boring.

well, today i was Kim Possible. my dear Danny was Ron Stoppable, and he carried Rufus-in-disguise around all day.

i got a c on my math test. the sad thing is that i am very excited by this as it is much higher than expected.

i went to youth group tonight. we went to a mosque. i have been to said mosque before and the lady there greeted me because she recognized me. i think my youth group is a little freaked out that i've been hanging around mosques (and synagogues) because i rarely (read "never") show up for sunday services. also the whole "i am extremely tolerant towards other religions and love learning about them. the next one i want to learn about is Hinduism." thing... yea. fun times. however, my youth leader started chatting me up about the subject.

on friday we leave for our mystery trip (as in we don't know where we're going). i could have taken the 4 o'clock van with everyone, but as friday is homecoming and i actually have a semblance of a social life, i am taking a 10 o'clock van with two kids from broughton. while i am using the homecoming game as my excuse, the real reason is that i want to spend the least amount of time with The Gal as possible and seeing as how i will be stuck with two other people, i will be forced to make friends.

yay.

tomorrow is Wild West Day. i have two possible costumes: authentic Navajo Indian or Whore (inspired by Blazing Saddles)

such good choices.

flashback day

flashback day was a bust. i felt dirty and gross and i was about to kill for a shower.

i had three super hard tests today, all of which i most likely failed. i am horribly tired and am only going to list. i apologize for this boring post.

the only good thing(s) today were:
- Mimi slept on my bed last night and cuddled with me this morning
- i got placed in dance for this funky leg thing with two other really good dancers
- i got to practice fockey in the rain
- i looked hot while going out for dinner
- NCIS is starting. :D x 60000009090909808000000000

pajama day

i like spirit week because i don't really have to think of titles for my posts. :D

today was pajama day. i wore my "Nice Cheeks" boxers, courtesy of Annie, my lumber jack shirt, my Gibbons sweats, and my bunny slippers.

i was almost late to english so i was shuffling as fast as i could with my backpack and my slippers and my field hockey stuff. so i shuffled in and almost hit my teacher with my field hockey stick! and then my slipper flew off and hit paris pope in the face. it made my day.

the rest of the day was rather unremarkable.

we got placed for our fall dance. i'm like kinda in the back but you can still see me.

during lunch i ate some of Chase Brewster's chubby-changa. for all you perverts out there, it is the same thing as a chimmichanga but from Chubby's. i went out to see my friend who's name i still don't know's car. we talked for a while and i determined he's basically me except taller.

i skipped practice because i have a lot to do. i actually just didn't feel like going.

i got a taco at Chubby's for dinner, so i ate that. it was good, as always.
i felt really "cool" walking around a shopping center in my pajamas and slippers. i think i just looked homeless.

i video chatted with Annie Oliveri for a while. i don't think i've laughed that hard in a while! Annie, i miss you tres beaucoup and we need to room together during college.

so, you know how my left thigh has been hurting a lot recently? well, this morning i could hardly walk on it!! i just looked at it a few minutes ago at the spot where it's hurting and there is this nasty bruise!! it's more of a hematoma than anything else.

for y'all that don't know, this is a hematoma:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hematoma

so far my "bruise" is purple and red wine red. it is an oval shape and is about an inch in length.
i believe i shall pop by the nurse at school tomorrow.

well, i have muchos tests to study for.
kill me now.

blehh

hi y'all. it's sunday.
lemme go over my (extremely unproductive) weekend so far.

on friday after school, i went shopping with matt. i bought a men's shirt that i'm
altering into a dress and a ribbon belt. i also found some shoes but i haven't bought them yet because the store closed early on friday. then i stayed home and watched tv.

on saturday i got up and watched tv (including my new favorite movie, True Lies.) i helped mom clean the kitchen and i hauled over to Chapel Hill so i could babysit. note that i also canceled plans so that i could 1) give my aunt and uncle a date night and 2) get money. not only did they decide not to go out, i didn't get paid anything for my efforts. i could have continued with my plans or cleaned my room or done some homework or something else productive. but it was fun to hang out with them. i haven't seen them in a while.

today is sunday. i recently was woken up my mom. today i have to clean my room and do a ton of homework. i do not think that i'll be going to youth group tonight because The Gal will be there and i simply do not have time to go for a destress run after.

i am going to go eat.

i see you shiver with antici...pation!

for all y'all RHPS fans, you will catch the reference
BUT ALL Y'ALL VIRGINS probably didn't.

well, it's 5:33 a.m. and i am restless.
my body is very tense and my pulse is fairly quick. i'm nervous but in a good way
and i don't know why.

i am anticipating something big, but all i have going on tomorrow is a vocab quiz and shopping with Matt.

i keep waking up and making mental lists and such like "spandex. bible. socks." and "hairspray. thong. bobby pins."

and then other times i'll wake up and i'll be going over my vocab code, which is:
a c2 e2 f h n o p r2 s4 u2 w z

and then i'll recite each word like so:
a - acquit
c2 - complex, consign
e2 - excruciating, effrontery
f - forbearance
h - hamper
n - nettlesome
o - oblivious
p - prodigious
r2 - residue, rejuvenate
s4 - sweltering, supersede, scrutinize, salutary
u2 - unwieldy, unruffled
w - withdraw
z - zany

of course, i always forget prodigious and withdraw.

i have to get up soon. since i'm not getting any sleep, i might as well do homework i forgot to do/planned to do during lunch.

:D

i just read every page of givesmehope.com

i cried and am planning on writing "you are beautiful" on the bathroom mirrors in dry erase markers tomorrow.

supp children?

hi. so it's wednesday, a.k.a. my first day back at school.
and today was a short day, so that was ok.

i got up at like 7:10 a.m. and took a shower. i got to school on time.

in basically all my classes, i just got the notes and handouts and pretended like i knew what i was doing.

but i didn't. i'm just a good actress like that.

so school was pretty much BOREDOM.
oh yes, i failed to mention that i felt dizzy all day and my cough got worse. it's all... phlegmy now. ew.

i got to see A after school while i was waiting for my mom. i'm kinda at an awkward height because my head is either right under his chin or crushed into his shoulder. but whateves. i love it. :D

seeing as how i was out for two days, i have a freaking ton of make up work. so you'd think that i'd go right home and start working on it, right?

wrong.

i had to go to durham for an appointment, stopped by home for like twenty minutes, and then went to youth group.

i used to enjoy youth group. but The Gal was there. i dread going now because she grates on my nerves. i simply cannot handle it! so, by the time i left i was too stressed out to even think about homework.

so i went for a run. i ran a total of two miles and got like 3 wolf-whistles. hahah

and then i ate (hummus and pita bread from The Busy Bee) and showered.

i started my homework maybe around 9:15 or so. i've gotten the majority of it done. :D
but i still have to:
- get the theology notes from the L-drive
- do a math worksheet
- study for spanish
- study for theology
- write a paper

exciting, no?
so while i'm waiting for my trash to empty so i can download the new safari so i can use the new itunes, i'll be getting a snack.

D:

i just fainted twice.

once while i was trying to plug in my phone charger, and the other time was when i was trying to get back to my desk.

each time i just woke up on the floor. i have no clue how long i was out. D:

school should be fun.

*cough*

*cough hack cough cough cough cough cough*

that is me.

i feel like i've been beaten with a shovel.
i have a migraine.
i feel like i have a raccoon trying to claw it's way out of my throat.
i feel like i'm going to throw up.

i do not feel like doing anything.

i want to crawl under the covers and die.

hi thurr

so yes.. i was not at school today.

and it sounds like i missed out on something (um hello bathroom-set-on-fire).
and i really missed A. i really like his hugs and i needed one all day.

oh yes, i went to the doctor to see what the heck i'm sick with. so they swabbed my throat and pricked my finger.

because, you know, that stuff helps detect pneumonia or swine flu or whatever. NOT.

i just have a "virus", which i doubt. i just read an article on how a person with swine flu is contagious until they stop coughing. umm yes. mattyboo was coughing all week.

so i am not going to school tomorrow, but will be there (hopefully?) on wednesday.
yay.

well, the big thing today (other than going to the doctor) is that i caught up on about 5 weeks worth of Gossip Girl right before the new season started.

so i am completely ready for the THIRD SEASON. :D

oh btdubs, i'm searching for a good halloween costume. my current options are (but are not limited to):
- Star Trek medic
- someone being attacked by birds, from The Birds
- the pink power ranger
- Blair Waldorf
- Judy Jetson
- Sailor Mars
- Little Miss Muffet
- Red Riding Hood

i am really liking the Red Riding Hood one because it's a cute costume and i could carry my school books around in a picnic basket.

thoughts?

poop. D:

i was going to get my homework done today, amongst other things.
but i could not.

why?

for i am sick. i am fairly certain i have pneumonia.

again.

i will not be at school on monday and i will be going to the doctor.

peace out, homes.

whoaa

dude, seriously. why does it take me forever to get around to updating this thing?

well, on friday matt came home with me before the gibbons vs. ravenscroft game. we looked at shoes online for a while and left to go pick celia up.

we got to the game, made our way into the student section and then about 20 minutes later, the rest of our friends joined us. and we watched the game and talked and generally had a good time.

oh and i acted kinda like a slut. or slutty as compared to my normal, modest self.

which, annie, is surprisingly modest.

and i guess you could say i bonded with anthony. but not physically, you perv.

then celia and i went back to my house, and ate tacos and stuff at like midnight and talked until 1. we slept super late, ate cereal for lunch, and watched 15 episodes of Sailor Moon, 1 episode of House, and an episode of Lizzie McGuire.

after we took her home, mom and i went to PR (The Player's Retreat. It's in Raleigh. Go there next time there is a State game or a Canes game. I swear to God, it's great.) and I had some potato skins in leu of my normal pete burger. after that fun meal we went and saw 500 Days of Summer at the Rialto starring Zooey Deschanel.

Zooey Deschanel is too pretty for words and when i grow up to be rich, i am going to buy her clothes from her and have some surgery to look like her. well, not really, but she is really freaking pretty. and talented.

i think i might get colored contacts.

so while i have not even touched my backpack since i got home from school on friday (literally), i feel that this weekend has been super successful. i spent time with friends, which reinforced that i have friends and a semblance of a social life, i caught up on my Sailor Moon (though not my Gossip Girl), i saw a movie, and i got a boyfriend.

;D

happy of the day: i got both extra credit questions on my english vocab quiz right. they were "how many planes were used in the attacks on 9/11?" and "who was the mayor of new york on 9/11?"






p.s. the answers are 4 and Rudy Giuliani.

i think it's working.

nothing new to report, other than i had a physical and went to church.

the physical went well and i got the internasal flu mist vaccine. it was very nice and non-stressful, unlike shots.

or needles in general.

church was decent. Trey helped me away from The Gal and had me sit next to kelly during his presentation on what christian music is and how there is no such thing as "christian" music, only music with christian allusions and how the artist or the album shouldn't be judged on the artist's actions on stage or on the lyrics, but on the content of the songs. and that is what "christian music" is. i probably just massacred his whole presentation, but i wasn't paying attention for a great deal of it.

oh. yes. well.

i think the blog is working.
"umm you basically changed the whole point of this blog..." you might say.
well, not entirely. becoming positive is a process.

why do i think it's working?
on the way to church my mom was all,
"i really like how positive you're being."

i credit it to a combination of the blog and church.
woo.

daaang!

wow. long time, no post.
well, it's tuesday. cool.

last week was pretty boring. nothing much happened until friday.

on friday, meghan took me to the landmark aviation building for my FLIGHT TO BURMUDA!!! we got there early because everyone kept telling us there was a ton of traffic. but there wasn't so we went to briar creek for a few minutes.

when our (by "our," i mean "mine") plane finally arrived, i got my stuff on, and gave K the cookies i bought at southern seasons. it was great. Dad, K, and k were there, along with K's parents, The Ps, Thomas, Amy, Kay and Sherman.

i got to ride in the jump seat for landing in Burmuda with the pilots. well, they weren't in the jump seat, but the jump seat is in the cockpit. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!! the moon was reflecting off the water and it was gorgeous. Burmuda is so tiny! you could see it all from 500 feet.

we got to the house around 10 pm. we had eaten dinner on the plane (pork tenderloin and veggies. yum!) so we kinda explored around. i saw the whale bones in person for the first time with the moon reflecting off of them. they are so white! and huge! and there are so many of them! i also saw the fort, and Mrs. P showed me the puzzle cabinet and we started working on this puzzle called, "The Christening."

on saturday, we woke up early and had breakfast. Dad, K, k, and i took two wave runners out around 11 to sand dollar beach and found some really cool sand dollars. then we rode them around the bay for a little while. we went back for lunch around 12:45 or so.

after lunch, we snorkled around the dock and scouted out some more bones to dig up. (the main purpose of the trip was to dig up the whale.) after we found some and marked them, we went up to the pool and splashed around, then eventually headed down to the beach and played in the ocean.

for dinner, dad, K, k, and i were alone as everyone else had romantic dinners with their significant others planned. we had some delish steak and potatoes. afterwards, we watched The Incredibles. well, dad and k played and watched, and K and i puzzled.

on sunday, we woke up and got ready for a cruise on Mr. P's big boat. everyone came (except sherman because he doesn't like water), including the man who produced all the old cartoons, like Rudolph and such. we went out to the other side of the island to this steamboat shipwreck and anchored. all of us (except Mr. P) snorkled around for about an hour or so. we had a delish lunch while we started our cruise around the island. Burmuda is so pretty! i have to live there someday.

after we docked, dad and i broke out the third lungs and regulators and started to dig up the bones. i found a great rib and what i'm calling the scapula. we also found three or four other ribs. one broke, so i took a fragment of that home with me. it's currently on my desk. :D

that night, everyone, including the pilots and the flight attendant, came to the house for a lobster dinner. it was AMAZING. the Burmuda lobster season started on september 1st, so this was the first time this year than any of us have had lobster. it was incredible. we all sat around and talked, and watched the moon come up. pure magic.

oh, and we finished the puzzle.

on monday, dad, K, k, and i went out on the beach and built this epic sand castle and played in the waves. seriously, the castle was amazing. it had this huge moat, two tunnels, and some trees. i made this great sea wall from sand towers, seaweed, and a 2x4 that K found in a cave.

after lunch, which consisted of fantastic tomato soup and sandwiches with melted cheese, tomatos, and bacon, we moved some of the bones that we had under the dock into a cave. the dock is right under a cliff, and there was no way we could carry all those bones up and store them before we had to pack.

for take off, i rode in the jump seat again. this time it wasn't as cool because i couldn't see anything except sky.

k and i watched College Road Trip on the flight. it was surprisingly amusing.

i rode in the jump seat for landing at RDU. it was kinda scary because it was raining and the captains kept saying, "you can't see crap!"

and that was the end of my adventure.

oh yes. mom met K for the first time when she was picking me up. it wasn't as awkward as i thought i was going to be.

today (tuesday) was picture day. i'm fairly certain i look like poop, but people kept telling me i looked ok. sure. whatever.

our first field hockey practice was after school, which ROCKED. all the girls are pretty cool and i think we'll have a great team/club.

that's pretty much it...

OH YES. matt has the swine!! so i'm making him a care package.
so pray for his recovery or something like that.

yep.